Messy Mamahood

May 24, 2010

Get your "bum-bum" on

I've recently lost 35 pounds and have rekindled an old love affair with my size 8's, moving closer to my size 6's every day. My dilemma now is two-fold: 1) that I need to tone and 2) that I've been watching late night TV. You know what I'm talking about - those infomercials selling everything from Proactiv to Heel-tastic (which, yes, I've tried). I'm just a sucker.

I don't get it. I'm not one of those people who falls for the internet "get rich quick" schemes or the "send us $50 and we'll send you a check for $5,000" nonsense. So why do I fall like a gazelle to the ravenous lion for these TV ads?

Recently, they've been running one for a contraption called the ShakeWeight, which is supposed to take you from granny flabby arms to toned and tightened guns in just six minutes a day. So, my kids and I are in Dick's Sporting Goods one day and my 12-year-old spots a ShakeWeight display. "Mom, you should get this," she says. "Yeah, Mommy," says my 6-year-old. "You can get rid of your flabby arms and I can, too." Right, Skinny Minny doesn't have an ounce of flab on her.

They keep hounding me until I finally relent. It's $19.99 - what's the big deal? And you know what, I've been using it and can actually feel a difference. I'm not ripped like the sexy blondes in the infomercial, but I'm actually getting a little more toned. Chalk one up for the ShakeWeight.

Flash forward a few weeks. I'm late night surfing again. This time I land on...wait for it...Leandro Carvalho's Brazilian Butt Lift. I'm not kidding - that's really their marketing strategy. Nothing like getting right to the point. I chuckle at the name and start to flip the channel but something sucks me in. In hindsight, I know what it was. Butt envy. These girls had butts you could bounce a penny off of - tight, round, firm butts. And I wanted one!

The Brazilian Butt Lift could be mine for just three payments of $19.95, plus shipping and handling. I debated and berated myself for being so stupid. But I eventually succumbed to the pressure of my butt envy. I secretly (so my kids wouldn't catch me and check me in to the loony bin) went online and ordered my coveted Brazilian Butt Lift.

It arrived five days later. As soon as the kids were off to school the next day, I popped in the first DVD. To my horror, I watched as Leandro led the girls through a workout that bordered on soft porn. They gyrated through the moves with these "come hither" looks on their faces. I tried to exercise along with the DVD but kept cracking myself up trying to stick my "bum-bum" (Leandro's word for butt) out with every move. It didn't help that his accent made him sound like he was lisping. I finally collapsed in a fit of giggles. There's no way I'll ever get through this workout. Back to Brazil it goes. Besides, I know I'll never get a butt like that. What was I thinking??

Have I learned my lesson about late night shopping? I hope so, but I doubt it. I'm now waiting for the Bombay Boob Lift DVD.


Anonymous said...

And now all the ladies out there want to know what you've done to lose the first 35???

mhollis said...

35 pounds! You go girl! I've wanted to try the ShakeWeight myself but keep thinking that a couple of family size canned goods would do the same thing? Maybe.... :)

Kenyon Anderson said...

Awww, Monica, why didn't I think of that! That big ass can of pork & beans in my cupboard could have done the trick! :0) As for the 35 pounds, a tiny bit of help from my doctor and REALLY watching what and how much I eat. No fast food, no soda, very little caffeine and a LOT less pasta and bread.

Butt I digress said...

So... if I stood/sat on this device backwards, would my spare tire go away?

As a former television colleague of mine once observed (in his rich, black Arkansas dialect), "if they told her to haul @**, she'd have to make two trips". Butt I digress.